#and too depressed to use my one healthy cope

[hannamoon143]

You drew stars around my scars ✮⋆˙

Life is hard. Some people don't know how to cope with that. Some people just try to feel mentally better by causing physical pain instead. How ironical, isn't it? Oh but bless you, that lee felix is in your life. Because this man never misses a thing.⋆｡°✩

Genre:Angst,Hurt/comfort

Warnings:Sh,a bit childhood trauma, Depression, Crying, mentions of food,mentions of bad eating habits

Lee felix x fem.Reader

Words: 3,9k

a/n: hey everyone<33 To write this fic brought me some comfort too, and it's healing me a bit more everytime i can use my own experiences,emotions and thoughts to write something that comforts others too, and relate to y/n a lot. And i know i'm not the only one, so i hope this can bring everyone that reads it a bit comfort. And pls always remember what of a beautiful person you are. Hurting yourself is never ever the only solution. If you need someone to talk, reach out to someone, anyone, also me if you don't have anyone. I'd rather have literally any person cry for hours in my arms, or vent to me in my dm's than have them hurt their own bodies, that always supports them. Everything felix says in that fic is true, and they r my own thoughts about this. I love you all, take care of yourselves.<3

Depression takes a lot from you. It takes your motivation, productivity, the will to socialize, and your happiness. It’s unfair isn’t it? Little, happy children become tired, broken adults.

People always think depression is something where you sit in your bed the whole day and cry. Well that is half true. Yes, there are days like that, but that’s far not everything. The worst are those dull days, when you feel entirely numb, but your life has to go on anyways. No joy in your heart, and no tears in your eyes. Just a big nothing in your mind.

After a while you figure it out though. It’s always those numb episodes, until every emotion you thought didn’t exist the days before, crashes down on you. And it’s overwhelming. Every.single.time.

But what if you’d find something that could ‚help‘ you? Something that brought you pain and relief at the same time? That made you feel alive, in the numb episodes and distracted you from the pain in the days where you broke down? The price was just your beautiful skin, and blood...

A problem was though, once you’d start, it would be very hard to stop again. But why should you anyways? Why should you stop when it was the only thing seemingly bringing you comfort for some short time?

It started off by you, picking at your skin absimendtly whenever you felt anxious, or when you just didn’t pay attention. It felt relieving. It was the burning pain when you scatched on your skin so hard it was slightly bloody, making you feel like your feelings actually mattered. And then that one night. That night everything crashed down on you. Your friends wanted nothing to do with you anymore, the few you had before, cut contact. You couldn’t even be mad at them. Who wouldn’t be annoyed by someone who constantly cancelled plans, and gave off a „depressing, annoying attitude“? Well these were their words. Oh but you saw it coming. All the overthinking in the middle of the night, those worst case scenarios, they had come true.

And your family? You never had a healthy relationship with them. So now, that you were grown up, the contact was almost entirely dead. And yeah, there was your boyfriend felix, but you’d never burden him with your problems. He already had enough on his mind with the world tour and all the new released albums, of the band he was in.

And that was it. No one there that you could reach out to, no one to comfort you, when your heart and mind were breaking into millions of glass splitters. Every person reaches their breaking point someday. And that day was yours. You remembered the night clearly. You were sitting on the bathroom floor, crying out all the emotion you had been holding in for too long. You had no friends anymore. No family. And pretty sure soon no boyfriend too. Nothing to hold onto.

Then you reached out to a drawer. You didn’t really register what you were doing as you took it out. A simple, silver blade. A little cut on your wrist. A line of crimson red blood on your skin.

At first you were terrified. What had you done? Why weren’t you affected by the stinging pain on your wrist, and the blood building in the small cut? Why did it in fact feel good? And then you decided to try it again, just to answer those questions right?

That’s where it started.

You knew you had depression. But going to a therapist? You were scared, probably too lazy, and you could never tell all your problems to a complete stranger. And most of all you didn’t want felix to worry either. He was the only one left, and soon he would surely leave too. He was the sweetest, sunny person on this earth, he deserved someone that matched his energy, and wasn’t so… hard to love.

Every single task felt like a hard, impossible chore. Getting out of your bed felt like doing the unbelievable. Doing the most simple things like showering, or brushing your teeth seemed so far away, that you could only master them on your best days. Some days, you went to work, did everything you had to, with a straight, stoic face. That was until you came home, laid into your bed, and silent tears would build wet spots on your pillow.

But somedays, even crying seemed too overwhelming. All you could do was lay in your dark room, staring at the wall. It was just the darkness and you, and somewhere in your mind, a voice whispering that it would help to cut...

And then there were these rare days, on which you felt almost too overwhelmed. It were those days you came home, and added another scar to the gallery of them on your arms. You questioned your life on these days. Because truly, you didn’t see a reason why you should be here right now. No, you weren’t proud of it. But who was there to stop you? Why should you quit if it was the only thing keeping you sane right now? When it was only the stinging pain who could make you slip out of the monotone haze in your mind, for at least a little bit time.

But it would be stupid to assume felix didn’t notice something was off. Lee felix was a pure person. Someone who could make even the rainiest days shine bright. And he cared about the people he loved more than anything else.

When you started cancelling plans it was already alarming for him. You were someone who never cancelled plans with him. You were usually a happy person, someone who made jokes that were actually funny. Someone who made him laugh with your little quirks, that he noticed over time. Someone who comforted him when he felt bad. And most of all you were the most excited person when you two would meet up. You never missed to tell him how much you loved him, that he was your happy person, and your comfort person.

That was before

Before suddenly everything stopped. He rarely got to see your beautiful face now anymore. You took a long time to respond to his texts, and when you did, they were short, and dry. This didn’t feel like you. Felix knew you. And that wasn’t you. This wasn’t the happy girl he met. And he surely wasn’t planning on letting things go like this forever. Something wasn’t right. And no matter what you said or did, to try and get away from him, and shut everything out, he would stay by your side. He would find out what was wrong and do everything possible in this world to make you feel like yourself again.

It was another day today. Another number on the calendar. You stopped looking at it. It didn’t matter anyways. Those were just numbers on paper, and they would never change anything. So you dragged yourself out of bed, feeling even heavier than usual. Like a zombie you just quickly got dressed, not even registering what you were wearing, and drank a mug of coffee. It would make you feel a bit more awake for at least a few hours. Eating breakfast had become impossible in the last few weeks. You were barely eating anything the whole day, to be honest. Sometimes, you just couldn’t stand up and make yourself something. But most times, you just didn’t feel hungry.

You went your usual way to work. At the bus, you took a short glance at your phone. You used to be on your phone a lot for the silliest things, but now you hated it. You hated the brightness, and that everytime you looked at it you had to interact with others. And the worst was, it remdinded you of what you had lost. The spark you had in your eyes on photos from a long time ago.

Something popped up on the screen

A message from felix. Of course. He messaged you every single day. You couldn’t ignore him, no matter how shitty felt, you couldn’t bring yourself to ignore him. So you opened it.

Hey sunshine<3How are you today? I thought of maybe grabbing some takeout and watching a movie together tonight, since i have off early! I’ll even let you pick one of those cheesy romcoms you love so much. Love u^^

You sighed. He was still so sweet, so caring, when he should be really annoyed, right? His girlfriend was a walking zombie, why didn’t he already break up with you?

Hey lix, sorry no time today.

Then you quickly put your phone away. You couldn’t stand thinking of his lips turning into that sad pout, when he’d read your answer. But you couldn’t meet him. You didn’t care how stubborn that was, but you wouldn’t let him see you like this. He would see right through you, and get you to tell him what was wrong.

You stopped making excuses someday. Who even cared? Sooner or later he’d leave, just like your friends. No lame excuses would matter then. Someone like you was unlovable. And that would never change.

As felix read your response he sighed.

That was enough. He wouldn’t let your relationship carry on like that. He wouldn’t let you carry on like that. Something was clearly wrong and he wouldn’t stand so far away and watch you slowly shut down from the entire world. Not anymore. Tonight he would come to your apartment, if you wanted to or not.

You didn’t remember what you did throughout the day. When you tried to recall it, there were only hazy memories, covered in a grey, thick fog. You didn’t even remember how you came home. Everything just happened. Now, you were walking through your apartment door, kicking off your shoes and coat. With a deep sigh, you dragged yourself to the bathroom. You shut the door, immediately sinking down on the floor. You were exhausted. More than that. The past days, or maybe even weeks you had held everything in more than usual. You felt like passing out right then and there, on the cold bathroom tiles. But there was something else. You knew that feeling. When you would have spent too many days in numbness, then at one point, every emotion, everything you thought wasn’t there before, creeps up in your throat from the depths of your soul. You feel the grieve, the sadness, the anger, the guilt, every single emotion crashing down on you at once. And then you can’t stop it anymore.

Tears started to well up in your eyes, and you pulled your knees up for a bit comfort.

These were the moment you hated the most, besides the numbness. Being numb is uneblievably tiring, but when all the feelings, everything comes up at once, that is even worse. You never knew how to deal with your emotions well. When you were a kid you never got the chance to express emotions. Crying was not allowed. If you did, you’d hear „ Stop it, or i’ll give you a reason to cry.“ If you screamed or hit out of anger you’d get punished in some way. Only a polite smile was, what was allowed to show on the outside, what to show to other people. That was probably part of the reason why you’d grown into a person who had these unhealthy, shitty habits, instead of expressing and coping with their emotions well.

You knew you should just let it pass. Endure these feelings. Maybe text someone to try and distract yourself. But somehow, you always went back to drowning out emotions with physical pain. You took the sharp blade from the bathroom drawer, your hands going unbelievable shaky like they always did when you took it out. You only started to cry more. You hated that you did it. You hated that you were a person that couldn’t handle their own feelings like a responsible adult, and had to shut them out with self harming instead. And still you did it again and again. You hated the way your arm looked when you put your sleeve up now. White lines from old cvts. Slightly reddish ones from some that happened some time ago. And those brightred ones. Reminders of not too long ago. They made you so angry. Reminding you of who you were. Of what you were.

So you decided to look away. You just put the blade to your wrist, looking at the blank bathroom wall. It was already so familiar, you knew where it would hurt the most without even looking.

Felix was searching around his apartment for that gray hoodie you wanted to have everytime you saw him wearing it. Maybe it would cheer you a bit up. As he finally found it, he grabbed the brownies he had made for you earlier, and his keys, heading out his apartment, to head to yours instead.

He started his car. It was a short drive so there was not much time for thinking. But there were some thoughts in the back of his head. Wasn’t he overstepping? You clearly didn’t want to see him, maybe you were also just annoyed?

But felix shook those voices off. He knew you. He had known you for years, and this wasn’t you. He had to do this.

And then he was already at your apartment. Slowly he got out of the car, taking the things, and started to walk up the stairs.

Soon he was in front of your door. Should he knock? He knew where your spare key was but he didn’t want to be respectless. So he softly knocked on the door.

„Y/n? It’s me, felix. I know you didn’t want to meet, but… i was worried. Can we talk please, my love?“

He waited for a minute. But there was no answer. Maybe you really weren’t at home? He decided to just try it. To his surprises the door was unlocked. That meant you were home, but also why would you let your door stay unlocked? He sighed, and locked it from the inside. He quietly took off his shoes, and put them on the side. Yours were scattered messily on the floor, and your coat too. Usually you hated when something in your apartment wasn’t organized. Maybe you were in a hurry before. He went into the kitchen, wich was dark, putting the brownies on the counter. „Y/n?“ he softly called out again. Still no answer.

But there, suddenly he heard something. A quiet, mumbling or...crying? His brows furrowed and he tried to follow the sound. There. In the bathroom. It seemed like you didn’t hear him calling you. At first he considered just going back to your kitchen and waiting there for you to come out, but when he heard another deep sob from you, he knew what to do. Whatever was going on right now, he wanted to be by your side. So he took a deep breath and opened the door.

„Y/N, what is g-“ His eyes widened in shock, and your head perked up immediately at the door clicking open, your gaze changing from surprise, to confusion, to somewhat realization and guilt. The sight in front of him horrified him. His beautiful, lovely girlfriend sat on the bathroom floor, her face red and puffy from crying, and a sharp blade in her hand. And your arm… How couldn’t he notice? He just stood there, in the door, staring at you.

You couldn’t read his face. Was he mad…? Of course he’d be mad. You quickly reacted as you got to your senses again. You jumped up, letting the blade fall, and a drop of blood dropping down on your white bathroom tiles.

„Felix…. I can explain, i h-haven’t, it’s not what it looks like o-okay? I’m okay, p-please i know you’re mad but-“

You got cut off. You couldnt’t even say anything more, because suddenly you were wrapped up tightly in your boyfriend’s comforting, warm embrace. You forgot how good a hug from him felt… And when you got a little glance at his face that was it. No anger, no twisted kind of any emotion against you. There was pure sympathy and love. When you also saw a tear rolling down his face, you couldn’t take it anymore. You buried your face in his neck, and let go. You sobbed uncontrollably, your arms and legs trembling so much, to the point your knees gave in, and felix slowly sank to the ground with you. Why did the cvts on your arms suddenly really hurt for the first time? He had you pulled on his lap, rocking you back and forth, stroking your hair gently. „Shhh, it’ll be alright. I’m here now, you are not alone.“

Good thirty minutes later, your sobbing had stopped, and only warm paths of tears remained on your cheeks. Felix lifted your head from his neck a bit, so he could look into your eyes. Though you had just cried your heart out, it was still the most mesmerizing pair of eyes he had seen in his life. He gently tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

„Let me treat those, okay?“ He simply said, glancing at your cuts.

He was gentle. He desinfected every single cut, apologizing every time you hissed at the sharp pain. Then he put some healing ointment on your fresh ones, and some at your older ones too. Then, with gentle, calm hands he bandaged your arms. He ended his treament with featherlight kisses on them. Then he got up, helping you up too. He had his hands on your side, his eyes on your face.

„Love…I won’t ever judge you, or get mad at you for anything, i hope you know that okay? I know that this is probably your way to cope with things, and i know that you know it’s not healthy. But it’s okay. Please just promise me, you will come to me instead of doing that, from now on hm? Everytime you want to do it you call me, text me, whatever. I’d rather have you crying in my arms for hours, venting to me for hours, you screaming at me, or do whatever you need to, than have you hurt and bleeding entirely alone on the floor. I’ll come over, and do whatever i need to, to cheer you up alright? And don’t shut me out from your life. I want to be a part again. I miss the way you’d text me when you see something that makes you smile. Or when you send me pics of the cute cats you saw on the sidewalk. Or when you just simply tell me about your day. And most important of all, i’ll stay by your side okay? No matter what. I will do everything to help you recover, and build up your life in a way that makes you happy okay? Let me help you sunshine. You don’t need to do it all alone.No matter how hard it in the past was, I’m here now, and I don’t plan on leaving soon.“

Tears welled up in your eyes again, but this time you smiled at him. „Okay lixie. Okay. I’ll try.“

Then he softly smiled at you, and guided you to your livingroom, where he made you sit on the couch. He rushed off to the kitchen, and was soon back again with a plate of brownies and his gray hoodie. „It seems like you didn’t eat much lately, you’ve been getting a bit too skinny, love. But don’t worry, now i’m here to feed you with everything you want to eat. You don’t need to move a single finger.“ He mumbled, as he first handed you the hoodie, wich you put on immediately and snuggled into it. It had always been your comfort hoodie, since it was big, fluffy, and always smelled like him a lot. Then he put down the plate in front of you. Felix’ brownies had always been one of your favorite things. They were delicious like no one else’s.Everytime you asked him what he was throwing in there, he always told you that it was his love and care wich he made them with. You believed him, this man made everything better with his sunny personality.

You simply smiled at him, and took one of the brownies, taking a big bite

„That’s my girl.“ He chuckled, ruffling your hair. As you were munching, and he was watching you with a fond smile, he suddenly asked „Do you have a marker somewhere here?“ You looked up, raising a brow. „Yeah, in the drawer over there i guess, why?“ He just stood up, and opened said drawer, taking the marker. He was back by your side in an instant. „Please give me one arm love“ He said, politely like always. You were still pretty confused but how could you say no to that? So you slowly laid your bandaged arm in his hands. He kissed it once and then softly started to draw on it. „What are you doing?“ you asked, mouth full of brownie.

„Those my love, are battle scars. It isn’t beautiful how you got them, but they are a part of you now, and they make you the person you are. They deserve to be called beautiful now too, like every single body part of yours. I love every part of you. And when they are healed, I’ll kiss each and everyone of them, but for now, they deserve to be treated with care. They will only heal properly, if you let them. If you’d always be angry when you’d look at them, they would never really heal. You would never really heal. You need to forgive yourself, and someday you will be able to move on. They show how far you’ve come, that it was very hard, but you never gave up. Battle scars, my love.“

You looked into his eyes. He said all that so sincere, you believed every word. And then as he was done you saw what he did. A lot of little stars, and a pretty moon in the middle were drawn on the bandages. And next to the moon he wrote a little note

„Because i want you to never forget who you are. You are Y/n L/n, a fighter, and the most beautiful woman i know.“

„How did i deserve you lee felix?“ You murmured in awe.

„You deserve the world, and more my love.“

And that really was a turning point. Thanks to felix, your days weren’t dull anymore. He was always there with you, laughing and talking a lot, but he also respected when you wanted some alone time. And when you came to him somedays, crying and telling him that you wanted to do it again, he took you in his arms, wrapped you both into a blanket and rocked you back and forth, until no tears were left anymore, and the world seemed a bit brighter again. Then he mumbled soothing reassurances into your hair, kissing you on the forehead.

And like this, you were willing to try. You were willing to try and recover, and create a life that you loved living, with him in it.

a/n: now a note to: @athenawindwolf because I didn't have the courage to say it that night ( we ignore that i'm writing this while you are texting me,still in that night), i'll be your chan friend, and in the context of this fanfic your felix friend, whenever you need me. I hope yk, I never judge anyone, and i've been through a lot too so rlly i would never ever judge or tell anyone if you tell me smth. We said we r the big sisters of our friends now, so that means we r sisters right? Come to me whenever you need to talk. Now this was for u, and I also have to say i'm thankful someone is sharing one of my interests now<3 Ily di angelo.@athenawindwolf (and i hope i didn't make you cry with this fic)

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

My dear lgbt+ kids,

Can you have a healthy relationship with a narcissist?

Well, if you trust many social media posts, then the answer would be a resounding "No". Narcissistic is - apparently - a synonym for abusive, and of course you can't have a healthy relationship with an abusive partner!

But, well, social media is not always right. A lot of topics get oversimplified, terms get misused and black-or-white thinking is rampant - and "narcissistic means abusive" falls into all three of those pits.

Let's look at it a bit closer: "Abusive" describes a set of behaviors - while narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) describes, well, a personality disorder. It's a mental health condition.

I am not a trained mental health professional, so I'll use a medical source here. According to mayoclinic.org (link to article), symptoms and their intensity may vary from one affected person to the next (just like the exact symptoms and severity of depression or anxiety may vary!). A person with NPD may

have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance

have an excessive need for attention and admiration

have low/no empathy (struggle to understand or care about the feelings of others)

have low self-worth

be easily upset by criticism

struggle with social interactions

have difficulty managing their emotions

experience major problems dealing with stress 

And, again just like with other mental health conditions, NPD can negatively affect the person in a lot of areas of life. For example, struggling to manage their emotions and stress levels may make it hard for them to hold down a job and cause financial worries, or they may avoid participating in social events, which may lead to them becoming isolated and depressed etc. And yes, of course some symptoms may also lead to problems in romantic relationships.

Therapy for NPD usually centers around talk therapy, with the goal of helping the person to better understand and manage their emotions, to learn how to cope with self-worth issues, and to create/maintain healthy fulfilling relationships and communication with the people around them.

Now, you can look at all this and go "See? The social media posts are right! They are self-centered, have no empathy and are easily upset! That's abusive!" - but that'd be jumping to conclusions. None of those things are behaviors.

An autistic person may also easily get upset and they may also feel low empathy. So could a person with major depression. Yet, we do not treat "autistic" or "depressed" as a synonym for abusive. We do not assume that their symptoms will definitely lead to abusive behavior. So, why would that be different for people with NPD?

Am I saying no person with NPD has ever been abusive? Of course not. That'd be black-or-white thinking, too. What I am saying is: People with NPD are people. And people can show abusive behavior or they can not.

If someone who easily feels upset hits you, that's abuse... but hitting would be abuse, even if they didn't feel easily upset. A partner with or without NPD shouldn't be hitting you. If someone with no empathy degrades and insults you, that's abusive... but that would be abuse regardless of their ability to feel empathy. A partner with or without NPD shouldn't be degrading and insulting you.

A person could have NPD and behave abusive - but "some people are X and Y, so all people who are X must be Y" is a flawed logic.

So, let's circle back to the beginning: can you have a healthy relationship with a narcissist? Yeah. It will be a relationship with someone who has a mental health condition and that's something to be aware of because mental health conditions do affect everyday life (duh?).

You should set boundaries and take warning signs of abuse seriously - like you should do when you date anyone, regardless of health status.

With all my love,

Your Tumblr Dad

[mindfulstudyquest]

here's the reason you procrastinate

based on Fuschia Sirois' research

everyone procrastinate at some point. research suggests that almost 1 in 4 people procrastinate on a fairly regular basis, and the rates are even higher among college and university students ( 50% of them procrastinate regularly and about 85-90% do so occasionally ).

because procrastination is so common we tend not to put too much thought into it, in the end what is the problem? it's just delay.

well, it's not. actually procrastination is harmful delay ( so defined by the researchers ); it is a form of delay which is:

voluntary

unnecessary

involves important tasks which you intended to do

people often underestimate the consequences of procrastination and how debilitating and harmful it can be. if you delay dealing with ( for example ) your academic works, of course you can expect some negative results in that area, but what about the collateral consequences of it?

research has shown that people who have problems with procrastination have low physical and mental health and practice less healthy behaviors. they deal with depression, stress and anxiety.

just think about the enormous amount of stress that procrastination brings: first of all, constantly chasing deadlines. deadlines can nag anyone, even those who don't struggle with delaying, but then it ends, the job is turned in, and everything goes back to normal. for procastinators this is not the case, they will keep putting off important things and will constantly end up with an imminent deadline.

so, if it's so harmful for your health, why do people do it? some people think it's about laziness or poor time managment, but actually:

laziness isn't procrastination. if you're lazy you don't have the energy to do anything, instead procrastinators are always busy with a thousand non-essential tasks to do, in fact they avoid doing one specific task, not every task ( for example if i need to study, but i'm procrastinating it, i end up cleaning my room )

poor time managment it's actually a symptom of procrastination, not a cause.

from a psychological perspective the origins of procrastination are rooted in negative emotions and the urge to cope with them through avoidance. so actually procrastination is about poor mood managment, not poor time managment.

procrastination starts when we have a task that's unpleasant, but we have to do it. and we use procrastination then as a way to get relief from those negative emotions associated with the task, so basically it's not even about avoiding the task, but it's about avoid the negative emotions that we associate with the task.

we need to avoid stress and aversive feeling that come with the task, especially when we don't feel like we can manage those negative emotions at the moment. so we take the task, we put it aside, and it's instant relief. it's fast, it's easy and it works for a little while, then that sense of shame, guilt and self-blame starts to kick in.

so why do we keep procrastinating? for that sense of relief, because that made us feel rewarded and we tend to repeat behaviors that rewarded us. this can easily lead to a cycle of procrastination.

however, the negative thoughts that we have ( "why didn't i start earlier?", "i'm letting myself down" etc. ) don't actually make us take action. they just add layers of layers on pre-existing negativity.

so how do you get out of the procastination cycle?

go back to valuing your task, if it's so important that you do it, remind yourself why you are doing it

remember that we tend to overestimate the discomfort that a given challenge will bring us. probably your task isn't even that time-consuming, unpleasant and frustrating

be compassionate and and forgive yourself, it's an effective strategy to reduce the negative emotions associated with the task. you are not the first nor the last person to procrastinate, we are all human and we all make mistakes. research has shown that doing so reduces the risk of procastination.

hope you enjoyed this little explanation, here's my sources: https://youtu.be/xTEPNxx0MsA

[iz-star]

About Zayne's nightmares...

The most unrealistic thing about Zayne is that he's a functional working adult that seemingly has put his life together at 27 not because he's young or a prodigy but because he's said to have nightmares since he was 12?? Like... I feel like this theme might be a bit overlooked but just think about it deeply, having constant nightmares fucks your mind like really REALLY bad, I can genuinely say this by experience and also as someone who has had trouble to have a healthy sleeping schedule since I was at highschool (like, for example, right now, I should be sleeping instead of writing this...).

There was a time I would have nightmares almost everytime I went to sleep during a really hard time in my life. Of course, the topic about those nightmares was almost always the same, not like the nightmares repeated themselves but they always revolved about the same things that I was actually working in therapy at the moment. Back then I was jobless and medicated most part of the time, I was pretty dysfunctional.

I suppose that's why when I listened to "Fragmented Dreams" for the first time it was the time I said "Yeah, this is my man". I love how he's always nagging MC about sleeping early because I know by experience that not sleeping properly can mess up with your mind pretty bad, and probably he knows it too. It truly is a showcase of love how he worries about her sleep like that and it also showcases how strong minded he is for enduring too much stress and remind kind constantly.

I love how healthy he is. I like to think that he's overcome all the stressful stuff he's gone thru bc of his discipline and healthy life style, but realistically it would take him some more to deal with all of that.

Yes, all of the guys have been through some very rough stuff and they all need therapy, but my point with Zayne comes with the fact that not having a good sleeping schedule and on top of that having constant nightmares can mess up with your perception of reality and induce you a bad depression or other mental health issues. Everytime I remember Zayne's main story branch when they're trapped in Zayne's dream and MC leaves him alone and he starts listening to Willian, Georgie and his Mom so he has to remind himself "It's not real, it's not real" I deeply feel that and I just want to hug him so bad :(

I think I'd like to see a card where they explore the consecuences of their past in their psyche more deeply. I can't help remembering this post which was one of the first posts you unlock with Zayne:

It was there when I just knew that even if he looked quiet, he had a lot to say but didn't know how to express.

Another thing I'd like to highlight about this is that actually I love the emotional maturity that Zayne displays about dealing with such issues like nightmares, traumatic experiences and literally being exposed to see people dying 24/7 while being someone that feels a lot yet says little. He's dealt with this the best way he can, no wonder why he came to be quite serious and inexpressive or sarcastic. Not allowing himself to express other emotions than seriousness or sarcasm was like keeping himself in check so he wouldn't spill everything he feels and considering how stressing is his job already, it just makes sense, but that didn't mean Zayne didn't feel because he feels too much and too deeply and worries sick about ppl and especially about MC.

Of course, bottling up his emotions wasn't the best way to deal with them but he never used any unhealthy coping mechanism neither, like alcohol, for example (My teetotaler King ❤️) etc. Yeah, his workaholism isn't exactly healthy but not something toxic to his mind and relationships, and I've always had a feeling that he's a big foodie and addicted to sweets to give himself that boost of serotonine he needs so bad.

That's why he compares MC with sweets, being her his favorite dessert, bc she's brought all that serotonine to his life naturally and has helped him let go little by little. When he opened to her about losing Dulcie, I had a feeling that Zayne always wanted someone to listen to him but he didn't know how to ask for it and ppl around him was too afraid to even dare to suggest it. I think even in one of his anecdotes, it is said that sometimes Dr Noah wanted to tell him something but at the end ended up saying nothing.

The fact that Zayne bottled up his emotions didn't mean that he wouldn't willingly share them, he wanted to but wasn't used to it. With MC, he's slowy started to let it go and enjoy life more, allowing himself to be sad in front of her, to express his fears (about losing her) or to express his childish tantrums and indulge in his softest side. That's why also she's not only his favorite dessert but also his best painkiller ❤️

And just to finish, I've always thought this quote by Kafka fits him so well:

"Remember, you should sleep more than other people, for I sleep less than most. And I can’t think of a better place to store my unused share of universal sleep than in your beloved eyes."

[milykins]

TMNT Headcanon - When You Can't Sleep

Authors Note: I feel I need to clarify one thing. I’m aware that some people rely on marijuana to help with sleeplessness but I personally don’t use it so it’s unlikely to have a place in my writing. Recreational drugs in general won’t really be something I write about. Call me a straight-edge but I prefer leaving it out. I will write about alcohol usage since I do occasionally have a drink with friends.

Anyway, I actually have been having some rough nights lately so therefore we have this.

Individual TMNT x Reader

TW: Mentions of sex

You’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. Lucky for you, you’ve got plenty of cure-alls. It all depends on who you ask.

Mikey

Your cuddly turtle boyfriend is no stranger to insomnia. Sometimes, the life of a ninja was too heavy, even for him and his upbeat persona. You knew Mikey could feel things a little too deeply and replay horrifying images continuously in his head. Over the years he’s developed some coping strategies. For you, he’ll offer you a melatonin gummy and something hot to drink. Tea, hot chocolate, or warm milk. If you still can’t sleep after that, he’ll stay up with you. He’ll cuddle you, rub your back, play some calming music… most of all, he’ll tell you that whatever this is, will pass. You might start panicking a little bit, telling him through tears that you’re afraid you’ll never sleep again, but he’ll assure you that you will. After all, no one died from a few sleepless nights. His gentle reassurances are just what you need to hear, and eventually you do drop off into a peaceful and dreamless sleep.

Raph

Not nearly as tactful as his baby brother, Raph will bluntly offer to give you an orgasm. After all, that’s one of his go-to’s when he can’t sleep. Raph is actually the only one of his brothers to have a somewhat healthy sleeping schedule. Disturbing images, horror, and depressing stories just don’t hold a lot of weight for him. They still affect him, but he’s able to compartmentalize these things and drop off to sleep rather easily at night. He’ll still try to help you with your insomnia, though, like a good boyfriend should. If the offer of sex is turned down, he’ll offer a backrub – an innocent one, of course. No ulterior motive, he’ll promise. He’s very good with his hands and able to work out any knots, kinks, or stiffness, getting you very relaxed in no time at all. You might accept his offer for sex then, just because he’s been so sweet and patient, and given you an amazing massage. It works. In the afterglow, you’re asleep and cuddled up next to him, wrapped in his comforting embrace.

Leo

His first reaction will be concern, and he might pepper you with a few questions. Did you watch something disturbing? Is anything causing you stress or causing you to worry? Is it something he did? You quickly assure him he’s done nothing to cause it. You actually don’t know the reason; you just can’t shut off your brain for some reason. Upon hearing this, he’ll light some calming incense and offer you tea, of course. This blend will be a combination of valerian root, peppermint leaf, and a few others that promote wellness and sleep. True to form, he’ll also recommend meditation, except he’ll have you do it a little differently than you normally would. After your tea he’ll instruct you to lay down in his bed, get comfortable, and close your eyes. He’ll have you breathe deeply as he leads you through the most peaceful guided meditation you’ve ever experienced. It’s so relaxing that you have no trouble falling asleep after that. Leo will follow suit and be careful not to disturb you as he crawls in next to you.

Donnie

He is the worst about having a healthy sleep schedule. It isn’t because he has trouble sleeping, but because he has difficulty tearing himself away from his work. He just has to finish this one thing… or read one more paragraph. It’s never just one more paragraph with him. He usually needs to be coaxed to go rest, so it’s no surprise that he’s still awake in his lab when you quietly shuffle in after trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep for hours. Donnie will lose any and all focus that he had on his work and shift gears into helping you. He’ll shush all of your attempts to apologize for disturbing him and offer you a sleep aid. He’ll usher you to his bed and lay next to you, asking if there’s anything you need to get off your chest that may be inhibiting your ability to sleep. When you explain that you find it difficult to quiet your thoughts, he can definitely relate to that. He’ll put on some deep ambient music set at 432 Hz. He’ll explain that it’s the perfect frequency to promote relaxation, reduce tension, and support emotional wellbeing. It is what he uses to lull himself to sleep when he has a hard time reaching the coveted REM stage. The music works, and you find yourself finally slipping into rest. Donnie ends up falling asleep next to you as an added bonus. He really needed to stop working and go to bed anyway.

The End - Sleep Well Everyone

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[bagelbun333]

Godot is morally grey and that’s okay! | The most human Ace Attorney Deuteragonist

So I had like, several topics in mind relating to Godot that I wanted to ramble about, so I decided to just put them all together in one extremely long post. So, buckle up, it’s gonna be a doozy. :3c

TW and CW: References to murder, suicide, sexism, and mental health issues

Also major spoiler warning for the Phoenix Wright Trilogy, especially aa3!

Godot is a character who gets a lot of backlash for being morally grey, controversial, and for holding a grudge against Phoenix for seemingly “no reason”. He even gets labelled as a “raging misogynist.” I would like to go over in depth of his character and put into perspective just how much goes on in his mind that makes him do the things he does in the story. It may not excuse his actions, but it does help to have a better understanding. He’s one of those characters that if you view from a single-minded perspective, you’re not gonna get the best judgement of his character.

Misguided Hatred on Phoenix + Mental Health Issues

We’ll start off with his backstory. His real name is Diego Armando, a promising young lawyer with a beautiful girlfriend and has a loving (and smug) personality. He was so moved by Mia Fey, with her being so kind, caring and faithful. She wholeheartedly believed in the good of people, especially her clients. Diego loved that about her, and he wanted to make sure that she sees it for herself. He supported her through and through, and he stood by her side when her first trial ended in tragedy.

He eventually got poisoned by Dahlia Hawthorne, putting him into a coma for five years. He reawakens, learns of Mia’s death, and changes his identity to Godot. Ever since then, he builds up a deep loathing towards Phoenix Wright.

His hatred for Phoenix can be compared to Franziska von Karma’s hatred; but unlike her, there is a much more deeper connection between them. This is a deep, messy, traumatic and tragic story that tangled two unfortunate people together. There is a proper reason to be angry at someone here; a reason that isn’t even clear at a glance.

His hatred towards Phoenix stems from the hatred towards himself. This is called displacement; a defense mechanism that involves transferring negative feelings from one thing to another. In this case, Godot projects his self-loathing onto Phoenix to avoid blaming himself. Which obviously isn’t a good thing, or even a healthy thing. It can easily cause problems with relationships. But the important thing to consider is why did he have to cope like that in the first place? Well, because he had no other way. He didn’t just jump to that method immediately, he would’ve gone through other ways first, but those methods didn’t work out for him. It’s a process of trial and error until he had no choice but to use risky tactics. He has nobody to confide in, he nearly died in one of the most brutal ways imaginable, he woke up blind and suffers from chronic pain and depression, he needs to make frequent visits to the hospital, the world has moved on without him, and ultimately his girlfriend was murdered while he was in a coma. Then he finds out that the one person who was by her side seemingly failed to protect her and got to inherit her law office as a result, despite being an “incompetent” rookie.

It’s a lot for one person to take in, and enough to make anyone break down. Imagine how pissed he would be once he found out some amateur took over his girlfriend’s law office (the same guy who let your own murderer run free for eight months, which is the murderer who put you in a coma, preventing you from doing anything about your girlfriend’s demise) and that amateur renamed the law office after himself just after she got murdered. I would also direct my grief and anger towards this bozo too. He gets to have all this glory from doing nothing? I can understand why Godot would want him to have some consequences at the very least.

And this is a law office that Godot never had the pleasure of working in or even seeing for himself. And all of that was just given to Phoenix after only two trials under his belt. Not only did Godot have everything taken away from him; everything that Mia also had was given to someone who (in his perspective) didn’t deserve it. Phoenix is living in Mia’s success over Godot’s monumental loss. Mia basically died for Phoenix’s benefit. Meanwhile Godot lost everything he lived for, and Phoenix unknowingly took that away from him too.

Of course, Phoenix did not have any control over that. However, in Godot’s perspective, it would simply look like Phoenix took Mia’s place without a second thought.

The only things Godot knew about Phoenix was:

- He stood in Mia’s rightful place, having the nerve to take over when she died.

- He helped to conceal Dahlia’s necklace which allowed her to live freely without consequences yet again, resulting in Diego’s attempted murder to be unsolved for eight months.

Godot shows clear signs of the stages of grief, bargaining being a big one. He definitely asked a lot of “what ifs” to himself, like “What if I could’ve saved her?” “What if he saved her?” “What if I didn’t drink that stupid poison?” “Would I have woken up sooner if he didn’t hide the bottle of poison?” Considering he has nobody to confide in, he only has himself to ask these questions to. He only had himself to figure out what he must do next; and because of that he quickly spiralled into a huge depression, and tunnel-visioned onto Phoenix until he believed that he was responsible for Mia’s demise. This is the result of no therapy and no friends or family. Even less than that, he lost his eyesight, hair colour and good health too. His promising life was ripped away from him and some bozo got it all for free! How’s one person supposed to comprehend so much trauma effectively in his position? How was he supposed to think rationally after what he went through?

He had all of these problems suddenly thrown onto him and he had no time to mentally process any of them. Not only did he have to learn to adapt to being blind; living with the fact that he’s never gonna be the same again, and recover from a five year coma with nobody waiting for him — he didn’t even have the time to grieve for Mia.

He went through in his mind that he was responsible for “letting Mia die” before blaming Phoenix as a coping mechanism. At first, he would’ve went through suicidal thoughts because he couldn’t live with the fact that he “let Mia die.” Then in his mind, it clicked for him. The fastest way to atone for “letting Mia die” was to protect her little sister, Maya. If he couldn’t protect Mia, then he should at least protect Maya to make up for it. This became one of the two reasons for him to live. He really didn’t want to feel like a failure to Mia so he became obsessed with needing to protect whoever was important to her. Because that’s what she would want, right? He’s worthy enough for Mia, right? Worthy enough to be forgiven even though he left her to die, right? Godot doesn’t know. He doesn’t know how much she had changed over those five years, and he can only remember her as the little rookie he had so much hope for. For all he knows, Mia could’ve forgotten all about him, and that thought terrified him. But at the same time, he probably thought it was for the best. What he doesn’t know, is that Mia never forgot about him, and she wants him to be saved. And no, that does not mean she wants him to join her in Heaven so soon after waking up. It means she wants him to live the life that she doesn’t have anymore. If he knew this, he would do it for her.

His other reason for living was Phoenix. He needed to see the one person who Mia had taught, and test if he was truly capable and worthy of taking her place. He had to see for himself just what kind of person Phoenix was. After all, this is the guy who supposedly took everything away from him; does he really deserve it? He also really needed an emotional punching bag to avoid hurting himself, and Phoenix was, unfortunately, the perfect candidate. He’s a lawyer, he “failed” to protect Mia, he was “dumb” enough to be manipulated by Dahlia. It’ll be just like hating himself except he’s directing it to somebody else. It’s the only way he can process his anger and grief. This is what displacement is.

Speaking of displacement, it isn’t an excuseable behaviour by any means, but it does put into perspective on how he keeps his emotions together. Despite placing the blame and hatred onto Phoenix, he’s really comparing himself to Phoenix. But what he doesn’t realise is that Mia’s death is neither his or Phoenix’s fault. He’s so stuck on the fact that Mia’s death could’ve been prevented that he became blind to the real facts of the matter. The stage of bargaining really does have a strong chokehold on him.

Godot latched onto that belief so tightly that he ended up believing his own lie. Thus, he gaslit himself into believing Phoenix was actually responsible for Mia’s death, which in turn led to his seething anger and hatred towards Phoenix. Godot was terrified of being the one responsible for letting Mia die, so he had no choice but to believe in his own lie. If Phoenix can’t be blamed, then Godot is the only other one responsible; in his perspective anyway.

A neat little symbolism that I’ve noticed for Godot is the whole “hiding behind a mask” aspect. He’s a man of mystery, both in origin and appearance. Not only does he have the benefit of hiding behind a mask, but he often speaks in a quiet and calm manner to hide his vulnerability.

Every so often his calm yet cryptic demeanour cracks, and his true vulnerable nature seeps through. We see this for the first time when Mia gets channeled towards the end of 3-2. He instantly recognises her, and he completely freezes and goes silent. After a couple minutes of silence on his end, the judge asks if he’s alright, resulting in Godot snapping back into reality. Then he decides to let Phoenix do the final cross-examination, even though it’s not at all beneficial to his case. The only reason he did that was because Mia was there, and he could never say no to her, especially not when he feels like he’s betrayed her; he feels that he owes her everything, even his own life. She’s essentially his biggest weakness.

Then there’s the moment where he realised that he missed Maya’s name written in blood in 3-5. He realised that, once again, he failed Mia. Therefore he panics. He doesn’t panic when being accused of murder mind you, because he knows he deserves the consequences. But the fact that he panics over Maya being accused really tells me that he puts someone, who he doesn’t actually know that well, above himself. If he can’t save Maya, then he’s worthless. That’s what’s running through his mind at that moment.

He’s been panicking ever since Misty Fey died, even worse when Maya suddenly disappeared. So much more heavy burdens are weighing him down, and he knows that he set something into motion that he can’t undo. Does that sound familiar? That’s because he said that exact same thing to Phoenix. Projection strikes again! This is when his coping mechanism is at its absolute worst, and understandably so. His self-hatred was racing to him like an avalanche, therefore his anger and hatred comes to Phoenix the exact same way. He suddenly brings up Mia’s death for seemingly no reason, but in Godot’s perspective, that old incident has been fresh on his mind the entire time. To him it seemed like everyone moved on too quickly, and it hurt him so much in ways that he can’t even describe. How dare they move on while he’s still suffering?

Godot has been feeling shame ever since he woke up from his coma and found out about Mia’s murder. It wasn’t until he saw Mia’s spirit alongside Phoenix near the end of 3-5 where the shame and hatred disappeared. It was then replaced with regret. He realises that he was wrong and that he did terrible things to Phoenix, and he believes his actions were inexcusable. He feels immense guilt about the way he treated Phoenix, and he thinks he should’ve directed his anger towards himself all along, or as he puts it, the one who he couldn’t truly forgive was himself. He even questions if he really wanted to save Maya at all — he can’t trust his own intentions anymore. This sudden realisation makes him blind to his own good intentions that he was previously dependent on throughout the whole story. He then heaps all of the blame onto himself, (similar to Mia’s behaviour at the end of 3-4) but Phoenix and Maya believe that his good intentions were genuine, and they try to make him realise this, which results in him finally crying for the first time.

This is the moment where he finally releases his true emotions after keeping them bottled up for so long. Tired from keeping his shields up, all he can do is cry. This is the equivalent of Maya releasing Dahlia’s demonic spirit out of her body — his feelings are that intense. The demonic spirit in this case is his “Godot” persona. Diego has finally been saved from the “evil spirit” that has been cursing him this entire time. Remember how exhausted Maya was after channelling Dahlia? Well, imagine how exhausted Diego must be after being “possessed” by Godot the past year. Phoenix and Mia didn’t just exorcise one evil spirit that day, and Mia certainly seems to know this when she told Phoenix that he saved Diego. Maybe Phoenix will realise this later.

Godot wanted to be caught, and he wanted Phoenix to be the one to catch him. He didn’t want neither Phoenix nor Maya to overlook the mistakes he made but rather bring out the truth, no matter how painful it was. He believed that they’re strong enough to handle the truth, which shows that he really does respect them.

He’s not a bad person. He’s morally grey. He’s only human. He’s the most human character there is. Irrational, imperfect, emotional and selfless. He’s not entirely hateful, he’s scared. He’s grieving. He’s not rational, he’s traumatised. He distances himself from others and paints himself in a bad light. He doesn’t take pride in himself, he doesn’t care about what others think of him. He just wants to find reasons to live and be at peace with Mia’s death.

The “Worst” Prosecutor?

A huge misconception about Godot that I’ve come to notice is that he is another prosecutor who cares about maintaining a perfect win record — which is just… blatantly incorrect. Godot did joke about being a “legendary prosecutor who never lost a case” at the beginning, but that’s all it is: a joke. He was mocking the other prosecutors because he is very aware that a lot of them care about that more than anything; he wasn’t boasting about himself at all, just taking a stab at previous prosecutors because he has had enough with that reoccurring issue. He was the one who wanted to break that chain. He has no doubt dealt with these kinds of prosecutors when he was a defence attorney, so why would he want to become the thing that he disapproved of?

Plus Godot has a history of making fun of people, so him mocking other prosecutors for being so pretentious and full of themselves is not hard to believe.

More prosecutors need to take a page out of Godot’s book and learn how to take an L. Godot knows how to accept defeat, and that’s something all good prosecutors should do. Good prosecutors aren’t the ones with perfect win records, it’s actually the ones who fight for the truth and are able to accept the losses if it comes down to that.

The fact that the fandom declares Godot as the worst prosecutor because he never won a case is just so absurd to me, because the second game teaches you that a perfect win record doesn’t mean shit. It’s clear from the outset that Godot doesn’t care about a perfect win record, and would much rather find the truth on top of testing Phoenix’s capabilities. Godot doesn’t even let his own witnesses lie for his benefit, because he only wants to win legitimately. If that’s not a good prosecutor, I don’t know what is. (Also I believe Mia herself said “I don’t plan on winning through paper-thin lies” so there’s another neat parallel between them 🥰)

Godot’s motive for being a prosecutor was so that he could challenge Phoenix in the courtroom, as well as protecting Maya. He didn’t necessarily care about winning, he just wanted to test if Phoenix was truly capable of being Mia’s successor; and he wanted to believe that for himself. Phoenix was the only one who could pass on Mia’s legacy, and he really didn’t want that to go to waste. So who better than himself (the one who taught Mia everything she knew) should test Phoenix’s ability to be Mia’s protégé? Godot was making sure that Mia’s (and his own) teachings didn’t go to waste.

Then there’s still the matter of his hatred towards Phoenix. Despite gaslighting himself into hating him, he still believed in Phoenix deep down. He also wanted to be proven wrong. Proven wrong that Mia’s death was Phoenix’s fault, and to be proven wrong that Phoenix would never be half the lawyer Mia was. He secretly wanted to be saved by Phoenix.

In the end, because of Phoenix’s actions, Godot finally came to terms with himself and accepted that Phoenix wasn’t to blame at all. Godot made Phoenix prove that he is in fact worthy of being Mia’s successor, and he proved that neither one of them should be blamed for Mia’s death. Phoenix saved Godot, and that wouldn’t have happened if Godot didn’t challenge Phoenix so much to begin with. In my opinion, Godot has been Phoenix’s most challenging opponent as a lawyer. He tested his capabilities, his beliefs, his moral compass, everything — because that’s how much Phoenix really meant to him.

So Godot’s “perfect win record”? That never mattered to him ever. All he cared about was Mia’s legacy living on. He never felt damaged because of a trial loss, he felt damaged because he was slowly accepting that Phoenix didn’t fail Mia. He doesn’t care that he never won a single case as a prosecutor, and he shouldn’t be made fun of because of that either. Because perfect win records mean absolutely nothing in general. This perfectionism issue all started because of Manfred von Karma, and it should die with him as well. Let’s not have it rubbing off on the prosecutors who have nothing to do with him.

Godot is the first prosecutor who gives no fucks about winning for the sake of perfection. He genuinely wants to find the truth; he believed in that as a defence attorney and he still believes that as a prosecutor.

Godot is Phoenix’s ultimate parallel. Godot is what Phoenix could have been if he were pushed to the extremes. Whatever Phoenix throws at him, Godot throws it right back. He copies Phoenix’s methods in order to truly test his capabilities as a lawyer. He wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine. He wanted to find out how well Phoenix can actually do when being opposed by himself, so Godot takes on that role. He prosecutes in a manner of a defence attorney, and this happens to be a challenge that Phoenix struggles with the most. Phoenix had prosecutors stumped many times in the past and now he’s finally the one who gets to witness what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that kind of trickery.

It makes sense, given that the person who taught Phoenix to use these kinds of tactics (such as bluffing) was Mia Fey. Of course, Mia learned this from none other than Diego himself. Godot testing Phoenix’s abilities this way makes perfect sense. Then it all comes full circle when Phoenix surpasses Godot’s expectations. The student has surpassed the master.

Godot is the perfect antithesis of Phoenix. They both have the same driving force but with one major difference; one had support while the other had nothing. If they swapped places, they would still fit each other’s roles. If Phoenix didn’t have the support he had, he would end up just like Godot.

Godot insulting and bullying Phoenix is also kind of a parallel to Phoenix’s snarky remarks to the people around him. The difference is that Godot reserves the most bitter snarky remarks towards Phoenix specifically. All of that is tied to his misguided hatred towards him due to Mia’s murder, but the way he insults Phoenix is so similar to how Phoenix insults other people. It’s another example of Godot giving Phoenix a taste of his own medicine.

Misogyny Allegations

Oh boy, here we go.

Godot’s whole purpose of character development is that he’s learning how to properly grieve and accept the loss of his loved one and learning how to move on. He goes through a painful lesson of humility by realising how important Phoenix’s role is and seeing how competent he grew to be. How does him being misogynistic correlate to any of that? It doesn’t. Anything misogynistic interprated from him is by the fault of the writers. You can see that with almost all the characters in this series; they have at least one moment where they say something blatantly sexist. Even characters like Gumshoe, Maya and Mia have had these moments.

Godot doesn’t even have that many moments where he says something sexist, and when he does it always comes off as out of character for him; along with the others. Just because he often talks about being manly, doesn’t mean he’s being sexist. He loves being a man, and he’s comfortable with that identity. That’s how many men feel, especially trans men.

In the anime, where the same story is being told, there were some interesting changes in the writing. All the out-of-pocket sexist writing from the games have been completely removed, further proving my point that the sexism in most characters are not intentional, and it’s the (game’s) writers themselves being misogynistic.

A character can’t be sexist purely because they’ve been written by sexist people. If you think Godot is sexist because of this, then you also have to say that all the other characters are as well, because they are guilty of the exact same thing. You can’t let favouritism pick and choose who you ignore the writing for. There’s evidence of other characters saying even more sexist stuff, but they get a free pass because it’s just them being “out of character.” But when this happens to Godot once or twice, he gets labelled as a “misogynistic asshole” and it’s deemed his only character trait. Why should Godot have to carry all the blame for this? Especially when he’s one of the few dark-skinned, disabled characters in the series? The Ace Attorney fandom is not beating the racism allegations.

Also, do you really think Mia would fall in love with a man like that? Someone who’s only character trait is misogyny? She wouldn’t. The reason she does fall in love with him is because he has many admirable qualities, and he believed in her when she needed support.

Now, there are characters who are actually written to be sexist, like Redd White, Matt Engarde and Dahlia Hawthorne. But guess what? They don’t even get nearly the same amount of backlash for the sexism allegations, even though they are fully intended to be that way.

Redd White attributes women as just accessories to his image (April May) and using them as scapegoats whenever he’s in trouble. He’s also described as a “lady killer.”

Matt Engarde is known as a “player with women.” He only views women as his toys until he gets bored of them and throws them away. One of them, as we know of, commits suicide over this. He also has that fragile “male pride.”

Dahlia Hawthorne attributes femininity as something that's weak and fragile who always needs to be saved, while the “horrible” men around her take the blame for the "pure, innocent” woman. Victimizing herself at its finest.

These are brilliant examples of writing sexism into characters. All three of these examples are characters who are antagonistic, selfish, and deserve no sympathy. Characters can be well-written and sexist if that’s supposed to be the writer’s intent. But with Godot, he’s not written with that intent in mind; anything sexist that comes from him always comes out of left field and feels very out of his character. Lots of other characters in this series have this exact same problem; such as Phoenix, Gumshoe, Mia and Maya and so on. Godot clearly is in the same boat as the other characters I’ve just listed off, but as I’ve mentioned before, he doesn’t get that free pass. The fact that he’s the one dark-skinned character not getting the free pass despite him being in the same boat is very suspicious. It’s as if the dark-skinned characters all must have that sexism trait. Why should that be if you’re not racist, hm?

Just a small footnote: I wanted to include Morgan Fey as one of the sexist characters but thinking about it some more I realise that a lot of it is just an interpretation, not something in canon text. It’s easy to interpret her as sexist due to her being reliant on her old fashioned values and her being suspicious of men entering the village, but that’s not something entirely concrete. It’s still an interesting thing to think about tho!

Going back to the main point, I'd like to add that I think a lot of people refuse to look deeper into Godot’s character and rather simplify him down to the sexist faults; not just because of racism, but fandom bias towards the characters as well.

For example, they’ve known Edgeworth longer and try to excuse his behavior as a fault of Manfred von Karma indirectly teaching him these values. And because of the fandom’s bias towards Edgeworth and against Godot, despite both being flawed characters with trauma written by sexist writers, one gets excused and defended while the other recieves the brunt of the hate for it.

Edgeworth had many moments where he’s sexist, even after his Bratworth phase. Him calling Mia a bimbo is far from the only occurrence of his sexism. He always views women to be inferior to men, especially when it comes to physical strength. It’s especially apparent in the first trilogy, such as him defending Iris’ innocence by claiming she’s too weak to use a sword as a weapon purely because she’s a woman, and him claiming that Valerie Hawthorne turned her back on Terry Fawles because he was a big scary man with a knife — even though she had police training and had a gun on her own person. He even specified that if the criminal was a “quaggy” woman like Mia, Valerie would’ve acted differently.

Here’s screenshots of the second example if you don’t believe me:

Edgeworth is a flawed character and I believe that sexism is intentionally written to be one of his many flaws. I can definitely see that it’s something he learned from Manfred, but that should not excuse his behaviour. You can enjoy a flawed character such as Edgeworth without needing to defend him and his flaws; because when you do that, you’re going to sound like you approve of the horrible things he’s done. Just because he changes overtime should not mean that all the bad things he did in the past should be forgotten about. A big part of his character development should be him getting humbled and taking responsibility for his actions and mistakes, not running away from it and making excuses.

I’ve seen Edgeworth fans defend his sexism by saying things such as “He’s only like that because of von Karma, it’s not his fault!” “He has autism and he is gay, therefore he can do whatever he wants”, “Well that’s Bratworth for ya!”, “He got better!”, “Franziska wouldn’t let him!” (I actually saw all those responses on twitter, big surprise 💀)

First of all, he’s a grown-ass adult, he knows exactly what he’s doing and he’s definitely old enough to be held accountable for his actions. Secondly, being autistic and gay doesn’t give him an excuse to be a shitty person; you can be autistic and gay and still have a horrible attitude like a lot of other people. Thirdly, saying “that’s Bratworth for you!” has major “boys will be boys” vibes when said boy is tormenting women, which is a disgusting thing to say.

And then there’s Franziska. Not gonna sugarcoat it, she’s intentionally written to be sexist too. A well-written sexist but still sexist nonetheless. Out of her own insecurity she lashes out and puffs herself up, trying to one-up people; women included. She seems to be extremely determined to prove herself to be better than the "men of the court.” Though for Franz, it could be that she became sexist towards men because she entered that workforce from the pressure of her father, and needed to keep up her image.

Now that I’m writing this, I’ve realised Franziska is kind of the antithesis of Dahlia, who is another intentionally well-written sexist character. Dahlia wants to appear weak and fragile and innocent. Franz wants to appear capable, confident, and strong; someone who is able to uphold her own image to get out of her brother's shadow. Yet they both act the same when confronted about this fact.

Because at the end of 2-4, Franz runs away wanting revenge on Phoenix and Edgeworth, and she cries at the fact that she isn’t ready to be left behind again. At the end of 3-5, Dahlia is forced away by the power of exorcism, and her last moments of grasping on the physical world was her crying about how she isn't ready to leave, and wanting a forever vendetta against Mia Fey specifically.

They both act aggressively when being confronted and their facade breaks, they just want to appear differently. They both also inflicted a heavy source of trauma onto Maya and Phoenix.

Edgeworth and Franziska are good characters, but they are far from good people. You can enjoy their flaws without resorting to defending them. It’s perfectly fine to enjoy them! But trying to put down Godot for having similar flaws only to uplift the other group of characters is just wrong. Demonizing people who enjoy Godot for his flaws is even worse. Let fans enjoy things ffs— This is why I think a lot of Edgeworth and Franziska fans have huge biases when explaining why they hate Godot so much.

We can appreciate the characters for what they are; like and dislike them for our personal reasons, and it’s best not to engage with people wanting to start arguments. For example, I really don’t like Franz but I can understand her character and see how she must've felt being raised by a severely strict perfectionist. Being held up to so many expectations and standards at such a young age can make you a complicated person, to say the least.

But that’s besides the point. Going back to the biased hatred towards Godot, the fandom tends to ignore how much trust Godot places in women. He trusted Mia, Maya, Misty and Iris — to name a few. This doesn’t mean he sees all women as being sweet and innocent all the time, but he sees women being just as competent as men; whether it’s them being good or evil. With Mia he saw her as a strong, bold and intelligent woman. He believed in her capabilities as a lawyer and as a person. Not once did he think of taking Mia’s place in 3-4 because he had doubts about her, in fact he encouraged her to take the lead the entire time.

With Dahlia he saw her as a threat; he feared her. He wanted to catch her because he knew how dangerous she was. He took her seriously because he knows how competent she was. He almost got killed by her, resulting in his severe trauma later on. And the reason he ended up acting so recklessly in 3-5 was because he knew firsthand how terrifying she is.

And just because he wants to protect Mia and Maya, doesn’t mean he views them as weak things that need to be saved. Adding along to this, if the ghost of someone who tried to kill me was going after somebody else I care about, and I had little time to prepare, yeah, I’d be desperately trying to find all the help I can get too!

He thinks he’s failed Mia before and he’s terrified of failing again. He wants to protect Maya because he knows that’s exactly what Mia would’ve wanted. It doesn't make you weak or fragile to accept help when you need it. The rhetoric that you need to do everything yourself and burden yourself with those responsibilities, all the while dealing with your own trauma and self-inflicted guilt, yeah— no thanks. I'd rather get the help than succumb to my own bad thoughts.

Fandom assuming Godot is sexist for wanting to protect Maya and Mia because of his own motivations is, in of itself, sexist. You see a manly character wanting to protect a woman in need and you immediately think “ew that’s sexist!” Why is that sexist? It’s been canonically stated that he’s been doing this through grief and trauma, but the fandom views it as him being sexist just because he puts on an image of a “manly man.” The fandom accuses him of being sexist but the points they are making to prove their argument are in itself sexist. The fandom is becoming the very thing they swore to destroy.

Manly men can (and should!) be able to accept help too! That’s Godot’s whole arc with Phoenix! He struggled with figuring out who he should be asking for help from. And good lord does he need it. But when he tries to get help, he’s accused of being a misogynist again! He also gets a lot of hate because he didn’t ask for Phoenix’s help from the very beginning. Bro’s been through so much trauma, you can’t expect him to be rational about everything. It’s so frustrating seeing that he just can’t seem to win no matter what he does. It’s all just biased bashing on a character at this point.

This argument is giving people who comments "Men used to go to war" under posts about a man making a smoothie or something because it’s just a smidge of not being the "standard" for masculine men. A manly man wanting to help those who are important to him is not a toxic masculine trait. It’s human compassion. If it’s fine for women to feel that then it should be fine for men too.

Plus, the fandom ignores the blatantly feminine things Godot does too. He’s a true manly man because he can accept both of the masculine and feminine aspects of himself. He flirts with men all the time, he admits when he blushes over receiving compliments, he loves strong and soft women, and he has a lot of silly moments too.

He flirts with Luke Atmey, Ron Delite, Jean Armstrong, and even Phoenix! He says things like “cut it out, you’re making me blush.” He even had a moment where he giggles to himself because Jean Armstrong was flirting with him. He’s able to do a spot-on voice impression of Desiree Delite. He’s brave enough to let himself cry, and he even hurts himself physically to show that he’s hurt emotionally. He does this because he’s so adapted to fooling others with his smile.

You can tell which characters are intentionally written to be sexist just from the way they behave. Antagonists and villains often use sexism to their benefit, using it as a weapon or as a way to protect themselves. They also have a deep-rooted source of where that sexism came from, which continuously grows as they age. Meanwhile characters who don’t have that intention always falls flat and goes absolutely nowhere with it.

I really think what sets apart Edgeworth's sexism from Godot's supposed sexism really comes down to the people they're talking about, and the context behind the scenes. Godot was targeting Franziska's position of power and her immaturity while she was acting all high and mighty; he did this to make her feel intimidated by him which ultimately made her shut up. She doesn’t whip people who are willing to stand up for themselves, and Godot figured that out. Godot’s sexism only came about because he was copying Franziska’s tactics in order to nerf her power. He could tell that she feels stronger when making men feel inferior, so he took a page out of her book and threw it right back at her. He tends to mimic his opponents’ tactics no matter who it is, it just so happens in this instance, his opponent uses sexism as a weapon, and so he reflected it back at her as a result. (Ofc this is still not excuseable on Godot’s part, nor am I defending this, but it’s an instance where his sexism makes sense, without it being one of his character traits. I also find it so interesting that he decided to handle her behaviour this way.)

This can also be attributed to the fact that the writers just felt like writing in a sexist line because that was a product of its time. This is one of the few examples that could be either source, because both sources are spontaneous.

With Edgeworth, he constantly talked down to Mia simply because she’s a woman. Even during her murder case, he spoke ill of her even though they only met once. His source of sexism is woven into his character because he was influenced by a corrupt man. He can’t have both excuses of being taught by a corrupt man and the writers making him out of character, because those are two completely different sources that contradict each other. One source is deep-rooted while the other is spontaneous, it can’t be both at once. Considering Edgeworth’s source of sexism is consistantly tied to his character arc, tells me that he’s intentionally written to be sexist.

And that’s not to say that sexism is Edgeworth’s entire personality. Even the characters that I accused of being sexist also have other character traits besides that, and I explained how they are all well-written. I’m not bashing on their characters simply because of this one flaw. So tell me how I’m being biased due to me being a Godot fan? Godot is the character who gets the most unfair treatment because of this issue when it’s something that’s common with the majority of the cast. It’s the reason why I made this long post so I can identify that this is an extremely ridiculous problem within the fandom, and it really needs to be called out. You’re allowed to like or dislike a character without having to demonize anybody. This one flaw of Godot’s character (that’s not even supposed to be intentional mind you, and can be interpreted in many different ways) is used as an excuse to specifically shit on a morally grey dark-skinned character, in a series full of morally grey characters. There’s plenty of characters in this series that have done much, much worse things than he did, but they don’t get nearly as much hate as he does.

The next point I want to talk about is the petnames Godot uses, particularly the “Kitten” petname. He often used it when referring to Mia, because him and her were dating. It’s not uncommon for couples to use cute petnames when referring to one another.

The argument that the fandom tends to use when hating on Godot/Diego is that he’s supposed to be her coworker and he calls her that term to be condescending towards her, and that it makes Mia uncomfortable. Well let me tell you, this is just objectively untrue. Mia does not feel uncomfortable with Diego’s “Kitten” petname for her. She never told him to stop calling her that; you can literally read her inner monologue, and not once has she ever thought about hating the petname, or ever felt uncomfortable around him. She never even lays a finger on him to tell him off. She certainly did that plenty to Grossberg later, she even steps on Phoenix’s foot to tell him off in the anime, she also thought about strangling Edgeworth too, but she never did so much of a slap to Diego. So clearly, she’s completely fine with him.

So what’s the problem then? Are you that insecure that you can’t handle the idea that Mia has a loving boyfriend? Is it really that upsetting to see a man having Mia Fey to himself? They both consent to the Kitten petname, so where’s the problem?

And the reason we don’t see Mia calling him Kitten in return is because we only see them interact in the courtroom. Mia’s not the type to behave like that in that kind of place, but we’ve definitely seen her to be more flirty outside of a trial. Such as when she seduces Victor Kudo for information, and when she offered Phoenix dinner and drinks to celebrate their victory. This makes it easy for me to believe that Mia flirts with Diego outside of a trial, and most likely uses the “Kitten” petname back at him, especially as she got older.

Also Diego calling people “Kitten” isn’t even sexist. He doesn’t solely call women kittens. He’s given the petname to men as well. Such as Ron. He used the same kitten metaphors for Phoenix, particularly with using claws, and he referred to Furio Tigre as a cat several times. Plus he generally has an animal theme going when thinking of nicknames for people. There’s “wild tiger”, “zebra boy”, “cub”, “filly”, “mare” etc.

Another dumb point I’ve seen is that the fandom thinks Diego was harassing Mia simply because they’re coworkers. You can be coworkers and lovers at the same time. Phoenix and Edgeworth are technically coworkers and they’re constantly shipped together by said fandom. If it’s fine for them then it should be fine for Miego too. Diego isn’t even that much older than her either, by about 4 or 5 years. And no, just because he’s older than her, it does not mean he’s taking advantage of her. They’re both grown-ass adults, and they were both in their twenties when they first met.

You’re allowed to not ship them, but you can’t deny that they’re intentionally written to be lovers. They are canon lovers. More canon than Wrightworth will ever be. Their character arcs revolve around their relationship, and their relationship ties together the main story.

Diego being “intentionally” written as a misogynist goes against his character arc. It goes against the fact that he always saw men and women as equals, and it goes against the fact that he put his faith in many women all the way to the end. The random sexist moments contradicts his character, and there weren’t many moments like that to begin with.

Hey, good job making it to the end! There was a lot to unpack there, especially since this is a debate that I’ve witnessed firsthand for almost 8 years! I wanted to put a lot of time and research into this to make it as informative and unbiased as possible. Clearly Godot is a character that means so much to me, and I absolutely had to go over this huge topic so that newer (and older) fans have a better understanding of this issue.

I hope this was an interesting, and maybe, enjoyable read! I really love making long analysis posts like this, and I definitely got more on the way! It’s fun to engage with the fandom like this. Feel free to share your thoughts as long as you keep it civil! ^-^

Have a great day/night! :3

[221bluescarf]

My Psychosis Survival Guide

Things from my coping box that might benefit you too. Like any other skill, many of these things can be used to help any other mental health problem. This is just my own list of things I use in addition to seeing my pdoc and taking my meds:

Art

Grounding is my first and most effective coping skill. Among the skills in the grounding category, coloring and doodling are my favorites (bonus if you can color-in doodles you've made yourself) but any art will do, like painting or making collages.

This can distract you from hallucinations and keep your mind occupied to stop dwelling on paranoid or delusional thoughts. Art therapy is known to reduce anxiety and depression too, which is common with psychotic disorders.

Instrumental music

LoFi is my favorite. Something calming can reduce anxiety and help you rest or sleep, which is good for a brain bombarded with the psychotic experience. Lyrics can sometimes trigger unwanted thoughts and some people even find that the lyrics change and suddenly have special meaning, so this is avoided with instrumental music.

Some LoFi music has other sound effects which can help auditory hallucinations to blend in and be less intrusive. Cafe vlogs are excellent for this, as they have a background of people talking and kitchen appliances being used which disguise mild and pesky hallucinations.

Putty

It can be Silly Putty, Thinking Putty, or whatever you can find. Some of them change colors, some of them are even scented. This is excellent grounding. It involves your senses and you can completely turn off your brain and just play with it in your hands. It's also great as a fidget tool.

Letters to yourself

Writing letters to yourself while you're in a good and healthy mindset can be valuable to look back on while in a psychotic episode. Give yourself a pep talk. Remind yourself that this is real life, remind yourself of why these thoughts are irrational and why you really can trust your friends and family, etc.

I find it useful to write about past delusions, so that when similar ones happen, I have "proof" that this is unreasonable and I'm less likely to fall for it (nothing is perfect. sometimes I'll still believe the delusion despite everything, but it helps)

A list of people who can help

Keep a list of friends or family who are aware of your diagnosis and who are ready to help you if you're struggling. Keep the numbers to these people in case you chuck your phone. Also include the numbers to your doctor, therapist, social worker, or anyone else you may need to reach when you're unable to use your own phone. (It's also good to have these listed in case you get hospitalized and are unable to have your phone)

Also if you're dealing with paranoia around your phone, some people find it comforting to use WhatsApp because it's encrypted unlike text messages.

I hope these are helpful

[starleska]

bit of personal/mental health talk under the cut, just need to yell into the void a bit. tw for discussion of autistic burnout, depression, trauma, etc.

it feels a bit silly to be posting about this, but i haven't been doing too well lately. like many high-masking, late-diagnosed autistic people, a lot of my identity and worth is wrapped up in productivity and creation. when you feel like you're defective, you end up associating success with how well you can mask; how you can make people smile; how you can perform and do and solve until you're really nothing more than a machine. we take pride in that...but as it turns out, that's not too healthy. for a while now i've been in a state of autistic burnout, but now it's hitting in a way that it never has before. this time, it's real depression. in the past when i've been suffering, my coping mechanisms have involved doing. it's changed over the years...everything from heavy exercise, to rage-cleaning, to throwing myself into projects, to fixing other people's problems. when i'm resting, i'm not really resting: i'm 'optimising', thinking about all the things i need to do to make things easier for a future version of me that doesn't exist. the metaphorical muscles that have been working to hold up these impossible standards are failing, and i'm not...coping with that well. i'm sure many other traumatised autistic people here can relate to feeling like they're only human and worthy of care and affection if they are 'giving' something in return, because we feel like we're a drain on others or inherently repulsive. in the past, i've been able to 'justify' my CPTSD by creating a bit of an internal martyr narrative: soldiering forwards despite it all, continuing to push ahead, to not be defined by my neurodivergence, disabilities, or my past. but that in itself is an ableist narrative which demonises folks who are high-support needs. it's a neurotypical-borne urge because of how we're punished for existing as ourselves. depression and needing support isn't a moral failing any more than any mental or physical health condition is. when i was diagnosed, my assessor told me i was one of the strangest autism cases she'd ever seen, because i'd so successfully pulled off a 'perfect' mask and was letting my brain eat itself trying to perform neurotypicality. she'd seen a few similar cases, but none quite as severe...and it feels wrong that i take some pride in that. like, yeah, i'm unhealthy, but unhealthy because i try too hard. but the more i learn about myself and other people like me, the more i realise there are countless others out there suffering in the same way, and we don't get caught or provided support because we don't want to be a bother. we just kind of...waste away. i don't want that anymore. i don't want to live a life where i'm just constantly doing to fix some imagined internal defect. i'm struggling to admit after a long, long time that i do need support...even if that support just looks like saying 'i'm in pain and can't do this the way i used to'. this part is definitely the trauma-brain talking, but here's the crazy thing: every day, neurotypical, non-disabled people ask each other for support, and they receive it. and those requests aren't met with hostility, or ridicule, or assessments of character. they're just...supported. to me, that feels insane. if i take even an hour off to do something non-productive, it feels like i should be exiled. my impulse is to say i'm posting this here because i want other people to feel seen if they feel the same way, but that's just another way of justifying feeling sad and hopeless. the truth is, i'm really not well right now. and if anyone has any words of encouragement or support to offer...i'd be incredibly grateful for that. thank you so much 💖

[aidenlydia]

(maybe slight cw for self-harm?)

hey ho!! first of all, i love how you depict 09 simon, it just makes so much sense in a canon way, but also it really suits your art style (also as a trans guy with short black hair who relates to ghost - i appreciate him being trans a lot) but i also have a question about the guy: i went through your art, and i noticed the scars on his thighs in some pieces? are they from self-harm, or do they have any other origin?

Thank you! Sometimes I'm not sure about my Ghost design because it originally used to be a lot softer, but I had to change it to make him more recognizable and easier to draw consistent in all my different art styles (especially realism eueuee)

Was never really able to replicate this one :') Might be worth another try though

And yes, I don't make them too obvious but he has self harm scars. He's been canonically abused by his father and when I add gender dysphoria and autism on top of that it just makes sense. Various forms of SH are often used by suffering autistic people to regulate emotions and cope with meltdowns. He's too comfortable with pain and knows what taking your anger out on others does - so he instead lets it all out on himself until it gets too much and he explodes with a meltdown, leading to even more SH by trying to calm down or to punish himself for having an aggressive outburst. And on it goes.

It's a vicious cycle but MacTavish helps him to regulate in a healthy manner and allows him to express his anger with no judgment. They're both really good for each other, I headcanon MacTavish to have untreated OCD and depression which Ghost helps him with in return.

Continuation here

[astroyongie]

Stray Kids April Reading 2024

note: please take my words with a grain of salt

Bangchan

Love: It does look like Chan was able to get closer to his crush and that things have been developing so far, however there’s still a lot of miscommunication and not enough emotional connection between the two. Chan might be trying too hard as well, and not listening to his crush's need before engaging themselves in a possible relationship. it feels like his crush isn't in a relationship anymore and be might the reason why 

Career: there’s a lot happening in their career, either the preparation of new music, preparations for new tours, ect that is putting Chan in a more complicated position because he lacks some foresight in some situations. he has been having a hard time adjusting to everything that has been happening on his life. he also wants to stay o the same path instead of trying new things like some members have been asking for 

Self: he is doing okay, both physically and mentally. he has been working  a lot on his inner self and on his self worth and trust. At the moment he believes that he is able to conquer anything and despite these initial fears. Chan has also been turning more into faith when it comes to managing his fears of the unknown 

Minho

Love: Boy is frustrated as hell. I believe that he is still in a  relationship with their partner but that things haven't been the same since september. they haven't seen each other much outside of their work which also makes things complicated (due to the lack of time). His partner is also putting a lot of red light on Minho’s actions, which makes him hasty in a sense. there’s high chances the relationship won't work 

Career: at least in his work space things have been doing well and more healthy. Minho has been helping his teammates a lot and he has finally found a healthy way to cope with everything while being productive. he is also happy with how things are turning out of the group. he got especially close to the younger members 

Self: I still believe that he suffers a lot with his mental health (and his relationship also doesn't help him at all). he is in a vulnerable position emotionally and he gets easily overwhelmed and sensitive. there’s way too much grief he needs to work on 

Changbin

Love: single as always, not looking for any relationship at the moment changbin is already battling against his own mind and his own self. He was however a lot of inner turmoils because it feel like he does have a crush on someone but he isn't exploiting it because he understands that he isn't on a good place to engage relationships 

Career: Things are complicated as well. I don't think Changbin has been having the best relationships with his teammates but also with the people he has been working with. That is because his relationships are usually filled with jealousy and sabotaging from other people and it has impacted a lot on his capacity of trusting people around him. I believe at the moment, the environment he is in and the career itself is the most toxic place for Changbin to be which is really sad

Self: without any surprise, hsi mental health hasn't improved. I sense some depressive energy around him, but also more of dark energy and thoughts surrounding him this probably linked to his work , his self worth and an overall burnout). JYP should pay more attention to him and allow him to rest

Hyunjin

Love: Okay so lmao this is a huge thing but take it LIGHTLY!. It does seem like Hyunjin and his crush have finally parted ways. To prove his point hyunjin is currently seeing someone else (it looks like this person is an idol as well) and they have been trying to get something out of here. now in my opinion, he doesn't have feelings for this person but that is probably trying to move in by using this person while also showing his crush that “he doesn't need them”

Career: career wise things seem to be going well for him. one a first instance his relationship with the members seem to be going well and also his sponsor has been also to get him another exclusive contract (so there’s chances to see Hyunjin from April-June to travel somewhere for his endorsement or for some type of public appearance). he getting the bag and the connections 

Self: Despite all of it, I think Hyunjin is also in a dark place at the moment. Firstly because he is trying to portray himself as someone he isn't and also because he is using his wealth to protect himself and to create an image that doesn't suit him. but he is hungry for change in his life which is making him take reckless decisions 

Han

Love: the relationship he had in September is finished now. things didn't work well and the co dependency was becoming toxic and his partner took the decision to call it quits. however Han is upset about it and isnt accepting the break up very well (he probably still is in denial about the whole thing as well)

Career: he has been feeling lonely lately. there’s a chance that Hna has been self isolating himself from the members and also has been procrastinating when it comes to work (like for example husband been writing his music or hasn't been contributing a lot artistically speaking) because he just isn't feeling the spark on it lately

Self: Emotionally there’s a lot happening and i think that Han needs to work on his emotions and also let go of things that isn't serving well (and in this same case, accepting that his relationship wasn't going to work no matter what he did). he is probably very dispirited and struggling to push forward 

Felix

Love: Listen y’all.. this guy is also in a very new relationship that started very recently. I have no idea who the person is and how the relationship is going exactly because I didn't get much information. All I can say is that Felix seems to have switched his whole personality (this person isn't the type of person i ever thought he would go for) so I wonder if this is an experiment or if in contrary there are really feelings here.

Career: He hasn’t been talking much with his members either, and has kept an introverted self around them mostly because there’s some members he doesn't want to talk with (cough cough). in any case i believe that he is overwhelmed and way too overwork to actually focus on things properly 

Self: Everything that he has been speaking on social media is a simple side of his idol image. It does seem like Felix is refuging in his idol image because it's the only thing that has been protecting him from the reality of his life. his self expression feels pushy and fake and i wonder if his love life, his whale drastic change is due to something hat has happened this last weeks

Seungmin

Love: Seungmin is still dating the same person however it does seem that lately he has been rather moody about his love life. that mostly because he has a sense of extreme jealousy toward his partner and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Instead of communicating he has been lashing out and just is unrealistic with his own thoughts. there’s the need of him to come down from his delusions 

Career: There has been a conflict between him and another member (I couldn't figure out who) which has provoked some tension in the group. although the problem as been fixed by the management team, Seungmin still holds a few grudges that he hasn't processed 

Self: Other than that, he is doing okay emotionally and physically. he is happy with the life he has and despite the stuff that sometimes happen he is able to regulate his emotions well. he just needs sometimes, a little time to figure it out 

IN

Love: still single and still enjoying his life as a boy of his age. Jeongin isn't interested in anyone, he has a lot of flings opportunities and people around him love him easily. honestly he is just a young boy who is living a life of a person single of his age which is actually healthy 

Career: Boyis thriving on his career, he has the good people around him and he has also a good relationship with everyone he works with. his sponsor is also doing wonders when it comes to Joenging’s lifestyle which is a good thing. he is overall happy with his career life 

Self: He has been doubting a little about the honesty of some people around him but he tries to hide it. I think Jeongin is also going through some sensitive stuff and things that make him a little more immature and emotional but this is also linked to his young age and lack of experiences.

[palfriendpatine66]

Your Pal’s Hayden Review: Higher Ground

What? Yes. I’m going to take a second away from my 24/7 Ewan obsession to throw a little love Hayden’s way and talk about Higher Ground. I had heard a lot about the series before I decided to check out the series and I’m so glad I did. It can be really difficult to track down but right now it’s streaming for free for a limited time on the CW website (and app) as well as tubi.

TLDR: I highly recommend a watch for a great Hayden performance in an angst ridden, emotional teen drama about kids working through their trauma in a therapeutic wilderness school. Many many content warnings for difficult topics and content warnings after my general review below the cut.

This was seriously the role Hayden was born to play. He plays a broken, sulky teen who lashes out in flashes of anger before he breaks down and cries AKA he is modern AU Anakin. It’s no wonder he was cast as Anakin after his work on this. His performance is emotional and vulnerable and shattered my heart multiple times.

The show is never quite able to make the viewer forget that they’re watching a teen drama with a cast of actual teens playing the teenage characters filmed in the year 2000, but I was able to forgive it for it’s occasionally overacted and/or not quite realistic dialogue and key moments accompanied by in your face soundtrack choices to pump up the drama and I think you will too. A very diverse collection of issues that impact real teens but are rarely talked about were depicted surprisingly realistically and sensitively. I was really impressed that the show consistently emphasized - over and over again - that the traumas the kids went through that were behind the problematic behaviors that landed them in their one stop shop rehab/intensive therapy/social and life skills group/high school program were not their fault, but only they could be responsible for how they coped and chose to go forward with the rest of their lives. The councilors on the show had healthy, caring, supportive relationships with the kids in their program, and the advice they gave was (generally) actually helpful and real life strategies. What I liked the most about this show was that it was realistic in there is no magic cure or happily ever after, but there is hope and there is healing and there are opportunities for a positive future even when everything is awful.

Content warnings below - feel free to dm if you want more details if you’re considering a watch. Also if you have watched please let me know if I missed any. For the most part these weren’t graphic depictions (they were rated TVPG in 2000) but the emotional impacts and aftermath are focused on in detail and can be very heavy.

- depictions of depression, anxiety, and panic attacks with flashbacks - drug addiction - drug use - overdose death - alcoholism - teen runaway - rape - sexual abuse of a minor - sexual abuse of a minor by a parent - sexual abuse of a minor by a step parent - emotional abuse - gaslighting - abuse allegations being dismissed, not believed - eating disorders - discussions of self harm - graphic depiction of cutting - scenes and discussions of suicide and death - death of a parent - gang involvement - domestic violence - physical abuse - infertility - drowning death - teen prostitution -

[ultrakill-confessions]

No idea if this goes against the rules, I re-read them a bit to make sure, though I'm not 100% confident. This post isn't intended as a vent, although it may read as one. ULTRAKILL has both helped and warped(?) parts of my life. I have a really horrible fixation on ULTRAKILL. I don't tend to scale things because trying to say "I'm a bigger fan than you are because X, Y and Z!!!1!1!" has always pissed me off and generally rubs me the wrong way. However, for me, I do feel like this is in a similar vein (vein like castle v-), and is GENUINELY to a worrying degree imo. Maybe someone else can relate? Unsure.

For context on some of this, I deal with a dissociative disorder, and I'm a split of V1. Even with that, I can only think of one other instance where it complicated an interest of ours this badly. I think about ULTRAKILL every hour on the hour, I'm not even sure if I go ten minutes w/o thinking about it. And I live a healthy (relatively) life! I'm able to do things, go outside, enjoy life to the best of my ability, hold a job, college, etc. and have gotten better w/ socializing (autism really messes w/ this one); I am just fucking insane about ULTRAKILL. This shit consumes a large chunk of my frontal lobe, hand to God. I constantly plan out and/or make fanfictions (though never post em because being an ao3 author is a little spooky, can't lie gehshe), drawings, animations. Dawg I even get GYM MOTIVATION from ULTRAKILL. Body goals? THE MACHINE. I listen to the soundtrack while I work out (my bias to Order, Death of God's Will, Colliding Stars and The Abyss and the Serpent really poke out here). In fact, ULTRAKILL even helped with my gender and sexual (not inherently trying to be NSFW here) identities! Legitimately made me come to the realization that we might align more with being agender than transmasculine, and that we have no idea what our disaster of a sexuality is collectively, so we just say queer! And even though it's still hard to express ourselves, that has helped so much in feeling more .. at comfort? Correct? I dunno. There’s also a lack of need for labels at all now. It feels so fuckin’ goofy to say this because it HAS consumed a part of my life to the point where I feel like I'm peak brain-rotting at times, however it's also really helped, too?? Like in the most oxymoronic way ULTRAKILL has helped me develop as a person. The imaginary scenarios and art I use aids me in my expression and thought and even brings out more of my creativity. Ironically, despite not really wanting to be perceived as a human being, it has made me feel more like a person. I have a love-hate relationship with it only for the intensity of how much I adore it. It makes me upset when I no longer feel like I’m “me” enough, and yet ironically it has helped me to be healthier in other areas. lowkey use it to cope w/ the religious trauma sometimes too haha I will say, though, for a while I thought (and still sometimes do think) it was ruining my mental state. The identity issues, artist envy, missing my source/individuals from it (+ pseudo-memories and heavy dissociation as a whole if I'm being real), and general hyperfixation woes get very heavy at times. Interest so bad I have to look away sometimes when I see voice actor work, SFM's, etc. Not very proud of that. I never express these issues heavily to anybody except my sibling and a few close friends, simply due to the nature of people, especially on the internet, along with the complexity of having to explain an illness that is so severely stigmatized. My current issue is just holding back from spending my money on merch lmao (I may just draw myself with it to cope /hj). I am cringe and I will soon be free! Apologies if this post is depressing and/or repetitive. uhh, I've seen some anons name themselves, so camaraderie anon here?? LOL sorry. (p.s shoutout to the sisyphus likers and people who hate his mischaracterization YOU ARE THE REAL ONES!!!)

-

[iilmunchkiin]

I double dare you to spill every staroba thought

bet

I think about them in the future and how they would interact about Clover's death, how they would comfort each other after knowing full well what the other has been through and finally talk about each other's struggle and finding healthy coping mechanisms about it and be there for each other. They've literally been by each other's side since day one, since they were kids, and yet they kept secrets from each other and just imagining the tearful conversations they're going to have makes my heart go doki doki.

I think about what would happen if Ceroba decided to open up and tell Starlo sooner about her trying to fulfill Chijin's legacy and if he would offer himself instead of Kanako, would she be so blinded and let him be used? Would she think twice and not risk losing her best friend? She probably still use the serum on him, she used it on her own child after all, but what if there was a little bit of doubt in her, just a little.

What if Starlo got too absorbed with the whole North Star persona? What if he loses his identity and not know who he is anymore, Ceroba would watch him slowly devolve to madness and watch her best friend wither away to someone who she doesn't even know, and be even more heartbroken when she realizes he did it for her sake, he broke himself for her, he wanted her to be happy, it was too late for her to realize how absolutely devoted he is for her.

He cares so much, he cares TOO much, he's just so absolutely devoted to her even if they're just friends, I can totally see them being platonic to each other and just hugging and talking and rambling and just being there for each other, they've been through hell and back, they saw each other at their worst and they're willing to pick each others pieces and put each other together again, and then they realize their pieces fit together they make me ill they make me ill THEY MAKE ME ILL I HATE THEM I HATE THEN I AHTSJE TIBTBSH

I hate STAROBA. do MUCH. they have NO POTENTIAL.

Anyway they should get married, oooo they should sooooo get married

They're going to get old and wrinkly and happy and have twins and watch one of them get interest in cowboys and Starlo watches him grow up like him and he just sighs and get reminded of himself and Ceroba gazes lovingly at him and call him stupid

And and

OOOOOOOO I CAN RAMBLE ABOUT STARLO FALLINGIN LOVE WITH CEROBA ALL IVER AGAIN

Remember the REMEBER HUMAN I REMEBER YOURE

REMEBER THE DOOMED STAROVA???? YEAH WELL STARLO WOULD 100% FALL IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN, CEROBA WOULD BE SO SAD AND DEPRESSED BECUASE OF PAST SHIT AND HED BE LIKE LIKE "Ceroba... please don't cry... I don't blame you for your past actions, you were lost and I can only imagine how much pain you had to go through, but the best thing I can do now is do what I do best, what I've been doing all this time... is be with you... please Ceroba please I beg of you... let me love you... let me fall in love with you again..."

HIHIIHIGIGIGIGIGIGIGIF GIGGLING IM GIGGLING IM SMILING HAHAHAHHAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAH

Anyway I just woke up,,, I might update this every now and then if I remember somethinf

Imma go take a piss smiles

[arcanechariot]

🎬 chariot (re)watch - addams family 1991

welcome back!!

it's been a hot second since we did a watch but i've had a really shitty time as of late so let's watch a comfort movie with one of my first crushes

(i used to have it on vhs. i love this movie so much)

possibly of interest to @iolaussharpe-24

even as a gay man, i would absolutely fuck anjelica huston as morticia. she's just so ughhhhh

also, gomez, you would love me if you like your partners unhappy; i have that clinically depressed rizz 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

(also just a note; the score of this movie is just incredible)

i'm still so weak to him. he's a good dad and a devoted husband? like c'mon!

i feel like he wouldn't fix my mental health issues but he'd help me embrace them

he's so silly i love him

and ofc christopher lloyd. we all love christopher lloyd

i loved him in food fight 2012

he just looks so unhinged. i fell in love with him on the first watch

i said he couldn't fix me but like....

body worship to the max ughhh

tbf i'd worship her too

i feel like they could be in a polycule. they both have so much love to give and gomez falls so fast and so hard

we could've had oscar like this.... dude.... c'mon....

he also has v good and healthy coping mechanisms (running his lil train collection) instead of taking it out on his family which is so sexy of him

also he could vore?

mommy kink confirmed

he's just so full of affection 🥺🥺

his suits are so iconic too

ngl also my reaction to seeing kids in public

evil dead flashbacks....

talent shows at school would've been so much more fun with a splash zone

this ☝️☝️☝️ i want this ☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️ givE ME THIS ☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️

he is that fool

oh he's stressed out and sleep-deprived?

perfect time for a blowie 👉👈

going through his cecil dennis phase

(he looks more like the depressed introverted dilfs i go for now tbf)

how i wanna hold him....

face reveal; i'm actually the old guy on the floor

pov: you interrupted one of their impromptu makeout sessions shame on you

this is what it looks like when i have an epileptic seizure just fyi

👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌there

👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌there👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my self 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

yeah it's still one of my favourites and i may have had a shitty day but i feel better having watched a good comfort movie 💛💛

[unnecessaryheadache]

Some character analysis today...ish. not really, but this has been on my mind for a while.

Did Snape deserve to get bullied/made fun of?

Every time someone says he deserved it, it leaves a very odd feeling in my stomach because I relate to him (younger and older) a lot. I used to be like him. I wasn't put through abuse or anything, and I have a nice family, but I mean, the bullying and saying stuff and doing that have made me lose friendships.

I've noticed that whenever someone says that, it's always somehow aimed at HP!Snape and his actions, and it doesn't make sense to me. Why is a child ~ teenager being blamed for the things he hasn't done yet? I don't really know when the Marauders started to get so serious about targeting Snape, but I do remember their first year on the train when Snape was being teased for his nose and robes (I think).

So it was going on for a while, right?

And with the whole pantsing thing, ugh, it's hard to get a clear input on that. For, one side says it is not SA, and another side says it is; I don't know which side is safe to pick.

Then, he calls Lily a mudblood, and the more I reread the page, the less sure of myself I become.

So what's up with him, anyway?

Severus shows a few examples of BPD, but that's just speculation, really. Also, I'm just a kid with a love of psychology and physiology, so I don't think I'll be very correct with this. (I honestly think he's very very depressed as an adult)

It's obvious that he's emotionally unstable as an adult (I don't think he ever had a responsible adult figure to help him navigate his emotions), Idealization and Devaluation (he idolized Lily and resented James HEAVILY, so much that it sank into Harry, so maybe he sees people in extremes), fear of abandonment (like when he was following Lily around, trying to frantically apologize until she finally told him to cut it out, and he left), he's acted very impulsively many times throughout his life (that includes becoming a DE).

While Snape had some positive relationships, like his friendship with Lily Evans, he didn't seem to have a consistently supportive adult figure in his life. His father was abusive, and his mother seemed unable to protect him, maybe because she was too weak from the constant hatred or she saw her son just as horrible as her husband.

While some might argue Dumbledore offered guidance, their relationship was complex and often strained. Other teachers like McGonagall seemed to have a professional distance from him.

It's worth noting that the absence of a consistently supportive adult figure could have contributed to Snape's struggles and the development of some of his less healthy coping mechanisms. No, not even Narcissa and Lucius are good examples. They were all in for the Death Eater thing.

Imma dig a little deeper ova here

Severus Snape is a notably intricate and contentious character, shaped by a challenging past and the choices he makes throughout his life. He excels in Occlumency, is an expert Potions Master, and possesses formidable magical skills. However, beneath this impressive exterior lies a deeply flawed individual. Let's delve into a more detailed analysis!

Strengths include:

Snape is exceptionally intelligent and talented in potions, defense against the dark arts, and Occlumency. He possesses a sharp mind and a deep understanding of magic.

Dedication and Loyalty (in his own way): Severus Snape’s loyalties are intricate and can be seen as ambiguous at times, yet he exhibits a profound sense of dedication. His enduring love for Lily Evans significantly influences his decisions, persisting even after her passing. Additionally, his unwavering commitment to Dumbledore’s plan, despite facing considerable personal sacrifices, exemplifies a unique form of loyalty. This loyalty seems to stem from a mixture of regret and a quest for redemption. While some may interpret his actions as somewhat self-serving, this perspective is certainly understandable.

Throughout his life, Snape faces considerable adversity, beginning with his abusive childhood and continuing with the ever-present danger of being uncovered as a double agent. As a result, he cultivates strong self-preservation skills that prove crucial for his survival.

Weaknesses:

Snape carries deep-seated bitterness and resentment stemming from his childhood, his bullying at Hogwarts, and the loss of Lily. This negativity poisons his relationships and colors his interactions with others, particularly Harry Potter.

Severus Snape grapples with the challenge of forgiving himself for past mistakes, especially concerning his involvement in Lily's death. This ongoing struggle with self-forgiveness influences his negative emotions and can sometimes lead to a harsher demeanor with Harry. While this context does not justify his actions or words toward many of his students, it provides insight into the underlying reasons for his behavior.

Snape consistently suppresses his emotions, which results in volatile outbursts of anger and biting sarcasm. He redirects his unresolved feelings onto Harry, making him an easy target for the deep-seated resentment he holds toward James Potter.

Cruelty and Bullying: Snape's own experiences with bullying seem to have instilled in him a tendency to bully others, particularly Neville Longbottom. He appears to enjoy wielding power over vulnerable students, mirroring the behavior of his own tormentors.

Snape’s actions frequently navigate the murky waters between good and evil. Though he ultimately aligns himself against Voldemort, his methods are frequently shrouded in ambiguity, raising moral questions at every turn. His motivations are intricately woven, revealing a character riddled with contradictions. Operating within a moral gray area, Snape embodies the complexity of human nature, making him a deeply flawed yet profoundly relatable figure.

Motivations:

Snape's love for Lily is the central driving force behind his actions. Her death fuels his desire for redemption and his commitment to protecting Harry.

Snape is haunted by his past mistakes and the choices that led to Lily's death. His actions can be interpreted as an attempt to atone for his sins.

Snape's challenging upbringing and experiences of mistreatment likely fuel his intense longing for belonging and acceptance. He pursues this need through his connection with Dumbledore and by taking on the role of a spy.

Over alllllll

Snape's personality is a complex tapestry woven from trauma, love, loss, and regret. He is a deeply flawed character, capable of both great cruelty and surprising acts of bravery. His struggles with forgiveness, emotional expression, and his own past make him a compelling and ultimately tragic figure. He is not simply good or evil, but a nuanced character whose actions are driven by a complex interplay of motivations and experiences.

[soc69]

Okay, so I’ve somehow fallen back into my eraser mic family addiction so here are some back stories that I’ve recently been theorising about and can’t let go of:

(Also I fully intend to make another post about specific Headcannons of how each of their dynamics with one and other work. This is pretty much entirely for my own enjoyment but hopefully other people will get something out of this too)

Yamaha Hizashi:

I’m pretty sure it’s canon that when mic was born he deafened both his mother and the midwife so I have a bit of a dark background headcanon for him based on this.

Basically, I think that mic’s mother tried really hard to raise him for a few years but I don’t think his dad was ever really in the picture (or if he was he left pretty early on) so it was just a newly deafened young women dealing with a bit of postpartum depression and a huge law suit from the doctor who delivered mic for his loss of hearing. She couldn’t work and was trying to get by on subsidy and disability checks until, eventually, she just couldn’t take it any more and handed him over to the state when he was about 3 or 4. He doesn’t remember much about his early years and luckily he was only in the system bouncing around different foster homes for a year or so until he got adopted by his moms who loved him so hard and taught him how to see the best in people. He has never once questioned their roles as his real parents and credits them with his becoming a hero for giving him the best life they could.

That being said, he grew up knowing the story behind him being placed in the system and never once held it against his birth mother either. When he was a teenager, she saw him in the UA sports festival and decided to reach out. Despite it feeling slightly awkward for hizashi at the start and his mother battling feelings of guilt when she first met him, they got past that and these days they meet up once or twice a month to check in on one another. Nowadays, mic just counts himself as really lucky to have not one, not two, but three moms in his life who all care about him and want to do what they can for him and his family.

As mic gets older, the early reckless use of his quirk as a crying kid and pre-support-gear-hero-wannabe starts catching up to him and he begins to loose his hearing. By the time he’s in UA he’s already considered hard of hearing and these days he can’t hear much of anything without hearing aids. Of course, Aizawa learned sign language at the same time hizashi did when he was first warned that he might go deaf one day and they’ve been teaching eri since she moved in with them. Hitoshi, however, already knew sign, as I will get into next.

Shinsou Hitoshi:

Soooo, we all know how fond this fandom is of giving Hitoshi the most tragic story ever and I’ve really struggled to break that cycle, so here we go.

I headcannon that Hitoshi’s mom died when he was very young, maybe even in child birth, and his father was absolutely heartbroken by this. He really did his best with Hitoshi but he was so much like the love of his life in so many ways that he could hardly look at him without wanting to sob. They had the same hair, eyes, smile - everything in Hitoshi was inherited from his mother and when his quirk manifested it was, once again, directly inherited from her.

I think, contrary to popular belief, Hitoshi’s dad didn’t see this as a curse. He loved his wife and everything about her, including her quirk, but it was just so painful for him to see it when he couldn’t see her. He turned to some less than healthy coping mechanism and, after a DUI, realised that he needed to get his life back on track if he was ever going to do right by his son.

He ended up relinquishing some of his custody to the state when Hitoshi was around 6 but retained visitation rights and would come and see Hitoshi every weekend, giving updates about his job search and making promises that he could come home soon. However, the visits gradually became fewer and further between until one day, after he had taken Hitoshi out for what he, at the time, considered the best day of his life, his social worker delivered the message that he had emigrated to US and wouldn’t be coming back. He left Hitoshi a letter apologising for not being a good enough man to take care of him and truly believing this was for the best. Hitoshi held onto that letter until he was 13 when, in a fit of rage after being fostered by the worst family yet, he tore it to pieces. Sometimes he still remembers the letter and cries that he doesn’t have it anymore because for the longest time it was the only evidence he had that someone had loved him. Nowadays though when he feels like this he knows he has three people waiting to prove that’s not the case anymore.

Since Hitoshi had been un-fosterable for the first couple of years in the group home, what with his dad still being in the picture, he basically wasted what are affectionately termed the “cute years” in the system, meaning that, as a preteen, he was pretty undesirable to potentially families. He bounced around different group homes and foster families that took in troubled youths since most people were scared of his quirk and didn’t take kindly to him trying to talk to them. He ended up learning sign language form a deaf kid in one of the homes he was in and used that to communicate to most adults so as not to scare them out of taking care of him to the point that it was put in his file that he had selective mutism.

When Hitoshi got into UA and started training with aizawa, aizawa noticed that Hitoshi was a little malnourished and seemed more skittish than the average teen ought to be. He took it upon himself to start taking him out for meals after their training and keeping a close eye on any signs or abuse or neglect in the future. By this point Hitoshi was living in a group home as it was the closest place to UA and, although there was no current abuse happening, Hitoshi had experienced some maltreatment in the past that made him cautious around authority figures and it was still all too easy for him to accidentally be neglected in such an anonymous home life.

Taking Hitoshi out for meals after training eventually turned into inviting him back to his house for meals which turned into quality family bonding for the entire erasermic clan. Eri starting calling Hitoshi ‘toshi-nii’ and asking where he was whenever aizawa came home alone after the first month, hizashi started insisting he stay the night whenever he was there past 6pm, and shouta subtly converted their home office into shinsous private bedroom by adding a fouton, removing one of the desks, and gradually clearing the bookcases so Hitoshi wouldn’t notice the added effort.

Pretty early on hizashi and shouta have a conversation about how much they both want Hitoshi to join their family but they’re equally scared of overwhelming him or putting pressure in him to say yes to them because they’re his teachers so they agree to wait for the right time. The right time eventually comes during a breakdown after Hitoshi has a nightmare when he’s staying over about his birth father. When he wakes up he goes looking for his letter before he remembers he doesn’t have it anymore and cries to erasermic that he’s all alone. It’s then that they tell him how much they want him to join their family. Cue the entire family ugly sobbing.

Aizawa Shouta:

I actually headcannon Aizawa as being the only one with a relatively trauma free upbringing. He’s just a grouch by choice.

He was, however, raised entirely by women. His dad left when he was about three so it’s been just him, his mom, and his two older sisters ever since. The oldest is 6 years older than him and the middle is 4 years older than him so he really is the baby of the family and they all treat him as such. He pretends to hate it but when they all show up for him after he gets banged up in hero work and fret over him he secretly loves the attention and it means the world to him every time they make a trip to see him.

His mother is an incredibly sarcastic women and it’s where he gets all his sass but she’s also very no nonsense and will put anyone in their place if they dare to talk bad about her family. His oldest sister is a lot like him but his middle is criminally similar to hizashi so they get along like a house on fire. That being said, everyone in his family adores hizashi and they had bets on when the two would finally confess their love for each other ever since shouta brought him and oboro over in their first year for a group project. (What they don’t know is that oboro was the one who snuck off downstairs that day and started the betting pool). When it come to eri and shinsou however, my god, ‘adore’ is not a big enough word. They would all die for those children and make sure to visit as often as possible.

Eri:

So we all kinda know eri’s history already so I’m just gonna talk about how she responded to each of her new family members.

So obviously she immediately latches onto Aizawa as her hero and Aizawa adores her. He is biologically incapable of ever saying no to her (not that she really asks for much) and spoils her rotten, so, within a few weeks of moving in she has a new everything in every color. But that much we know already so onto mic.

I think it takes her a while to get used to hizashi as she’s instinctively very cautious around new people so, as much as it breaks mics heart, he has to spend the first couple of weeks of eris adjustment period staying with nemuri and visiting every other day until she’s more comfortable around him. The change happens when they’re having a bonding day at home and eri takes a tumble and nearly falls down the stairs from the top of the landing. On instinct, mic gets between her and the stairs and pushes her back up to safety but ends up falling down the stairs in her place. Eri immediately runs down to check on him apologising profusely and is absolutely terrified of how he’s going to react but mic just immediately pulls her into a hug and starts asking if she’s okay saying he was terrified she might of been hurt and from that point on eri realised that this man would never hurt her and so when he goes to leave that night she asks him to stay instead and he’s never spent the night at nemuris since.

As we’ve already established, she very quickly accepts Hitoshi as her brother but the exact moment it happens isn’t as easily pinpointed as it is with mic. One day she was shy and reserved around him and the next she was choosing to sit closest to him over everyone else on movie nights. It was such a seemless transition that no one even really noticed (except Hitoshi of course who clocked the change immediately and had no idea what to do with the fact that this little angel wanted him as a brother and definitely went to bed and cried about it the first time she chose to sit with him instead of her dads).